An emotional day for Mom

Today marks the day I arrived in Korea one year ago. I had prepared for Kristen to have some anniversary grief and emotions that she might not recognize or know how to deal with. But, no one told me that I would struggle with the same thing myself!

We finalized Kristen's adoption earlier this month. It was a wonderful day and so great to finally have her be officially our daughter. We then took our first family vacation with all five of us - a great way to celebrate! All in all, we are seeing wonderful progress and growth in Kristen and so glad she is our daughter.

And yet, as this day has come and gone, I have realized that I have such a range of emotions linked to this time last year. As my sister is always reminding me, I was worrying obsessively about everything in Korea. I hardly ate (which probably didn't help) and was exhausted when we arrived. I am sad that we didn't get to experience more of Korea because of those things and because of our short trip. I wish I had more pictures and memories to share with Kristen and Daniel.

I also struggle with feelings of loss for Kristen. I brought her home to her forever family, and a country where hopefully she will be accepted for who she is and whatever her abilities. But, I took her away from her culture and country...as well as physically farther away from her first mother. I know she was loved by her caregivers and by her friends that remain at AMSA. I wish I could communicate to all these people how well she is doing and what she is learning. Some I can reach, some I can't for sure.

I wonder if I am doing the best job I can as Kristen's mom. I have so many dreams and prayers for her. I want to push her, but I want her to know that I love her right where she is today. She has shown such courage and resilience in the past year...and really for her whole life. We struggle with behavior issues and it such a tightrope to try to balance flexibility and challenging her. It is so hard to know what is going on in her head and how she is seeing things. I try not to second guess myself, but I always have to wonder if I doing the right thing. It has been a year and we have seen so much positive in her bonding to us. And there are other areas that I wish we had seen more...but there has been progress. A friend told me the other day that with Kristen especially, I needed to focus on seeing progresss, even if it seems small. I truly want to do that.

How will Kristen grow to view this day? Will she see it as the day that someone who had loved her and cared about her long before this day came to bring her to a family? Or will she see it as the day that she was snatched away from everything that she knew. Most likely, both sides will play into it. This bittersweet feeling will probably follow us through life. Although I view this day gratefully and with joy remember seeing her in person for the first time and holding her hand for the first time, it will always be tinged with sadness for me, and I am sure for her as well.

Above all, I am grateful that she is part of our family. There is so much that all of us can learn from her. Her beautiful smile and sweet personality light up my day. I am so thankful for the chance I have been given to be Mommy to my sweet girl.